Showing posts with label narcissism. Show all posts
Showing posts with label narcissism. Show all posts

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

What Mary Brown Taught Me: Art as Community



Nine years ago I met Dr. Mary Brown. And I thought she was the most self-rightous bitch. You know the professor who thinks that her class is the only one you’re taking? The work load for Creative Writing, a simple 200–level class, was overwhelming. I was an athlete. I worked, I paid rent. I had other things to do.
              At mid-terms of that particular class, Mary and I had a sit-down meeting. I had missed over half of the class periods up to that point. I told her that I was sorry and that I would do better, and I mostly meant it. I was also dealing with a defeating case of post-breakup depression, a pretty consuming party schedule, life as a year-round college athlete. In my mind, I had a lot going on. A 200-level writing class wasn’t particularly meaningful in the scheme of my priorities.
              In fairness to my immature self, I only had so many hours in the day. I decided that I was more interested in what I would learn from a class than what grade I would receive, so any level of “jumping through hoops” (including participation/attendance grades, which I summarily dismissed at the time) I just rejected. This wasn’t necessarily all-out belligerence, although that cropped up at times. Really it was a decision that experience and learning trumped feedback and grades. I still mostly stand by this value, but at the time I misunderstood the relationship of feedback to learning. Still, I lived according to a certain degree of individual value judgment.
              Mary Brown, however, would not fall in line with my assessment of academic life. And it drove me crazy. She was this uptight, rule-driven taskmaster who insisted that doing things properly was better than doing them well. She insisted that class attendance was importance, which reeked of ego. Oh, yes, Mary, I must be in your class, to gorge on your endless wisdom?
              Life has, as it does, continued its onward march. Nearly a decade of it, and I’ve grown up a little bit. Even by the time I graduated, I had learned that Mary was more or less the opposite of all I had assumed: her approach to writing and teaching was humble, and yet ambitious. She encouraged readers and writers to dare, to buck the rules and to create great works rather than good assignments. She rapidly became one of my favorite professors, and her faith, her approach to work, her belief in the power of literature is one of the prevailing theologies, ontologies, foundations of life that I hold to. It is mystical and spiritual and hard to peg down, but it’s so very real, and so very foundational to how I approach the written word.
              Mary Brown did not care that I was there to hear her lectures. She cared that I was there to engage in the sacred art of literature. Writers cannot exist without readers, and readers cannot exist without writers, and a class setting cannot operate without both in ample supply. I believe that what she was interested in was not blind obedience, was not simply the rules of attendance, but rather steeping students in the two-way, multi-dimensional act of creation.
              I have come to believe that a work of art is not complete when it is finished. A written piece is not complete unless it is presented to a reader, who continues the creative work through interpretation. A work of art is presented by an artist and interpreted through viewing, reading, engaging. What creates a work of art is not simply what the artist brings, but what the viewer brings as well; these two things fuse in a mystery not unlike marriage, or sex: two become one, amplified. What makes an enduring work, a classic, an eternal gesture, is a piece that resonates with readers, with consumers, infinitely. Thus, it never stops creating, which is a sacred act. We are still moved by Shakespeare’s characters, or the enduring, ancient struggles of the Iliad and the Odyssey. Faulkner, in his Nobel Prize acceptance speech, talked about the necessity of tackling enduring themes rather than topical situations. It is these themes that continue to resonate throughout humanity, throughout time, throughout the experience of interaction and interpretation that round out what a piece of art can and ought to be: infinitely creative, infinitely holy. 
              Mary Brown understood this. She understood that creation doesn’t happen in a vacuum. She understood and taught me—not aggressively, but through the seeds of her convictions, that took years to bloom—that art is a collaborative effort. That art is a mystical experience, that art builds on the history of those who have come before and weaves into the creative work of a creative god, that art requires us to live in community, to both engage and shed our loneliness, our disparate value judgments, and instead live the vulnerable and terrifying life of an artist: a life that is lived wide open on the page, that cannot exist without some great and mysterious other reading, viewing, engaging, and creating alongside us. This is eternity: the endless rhythm and rhyme of creation mating with creation to offer something new and beautiful to the world, something that, at its best, resonates across space and time and continues to create long after the work of the artist is done.

Tuesday, March 31, 2015

In which Narcissism Collides with Selflessness



My blogging career is off to a bit of a slow start. You see, after my great declaration of narcissism, I found myself suddenly needing to be very selfless: my wife gave birth to a daughter. She has nothing to offer. She has two states, sleep and discontent. And she sort of has the flat, wrinkled face and squinted eyes of an old Asian man.

And, of course, she has ripped my heart to pieces, and rebuilds it every time she peeks out at me with her grumpy blue eyes.

In commemoration, I’m going to share a poem—not one about this moment, but about the moment that my wife gave birth to our first child, Hudson. I have a bit of a love/hate relationship with poetry; not unlike my relationship with blogging. I’m a bit of a skeptic (this is a nice way to say cynic) when it comes to life, which creates a weird tension because I'm also a bit of an optimist. Figure that one out, and I’ll owe you some sort of counseling fee. The thing about loving and hating something is that they’re not all that separate really; these are measures of intensity, not necessarily pure motive. Although I think I have a fairly liberal definition of the word love. Most of our feelings actually land somewhere on the continuum of the concept of Love, and where they get so conflicted is that each feeling is bent through this series of lenses: how we love ourselves, how we love those we intimately know, how we love those we don’t know, and how all of these sum together in how we love God (with an extra dose of how we love our parents, our authorities, and, well, the list goes on). So in that love and hate are one in the same, because if Love is the pinnacle of emotion, then we can only hate that which does some damage to one that we love—and often that "one" is our self. Or, we can hate ourselves in proportion to how we (perceive we) hurt those we love, even if that generic “those” is all of them encompassed in our understanding of God.

All that to say, I have this love/hate relationship with a lot of things in my life, because when I feel strongly about something that tends to be the result. I plan on exploring that tension in this space over the next however-long. Poetry, art, the Church and its churches, colleges, social media, faith, apologetics, responsibility, structure, the oxford comma, and so forth. But that’s not what I promised in this post, I promised a poem, and I also promise a future post that explores a bit my relationship with poetry, which is both the most beautiful art there is and the largest cauldron of bullshit you can dip your spoon into. 

The Weight of Blood 

It’s a hard thing to hold blood.
I’ve given blood and preached blood and
     eaten blood and spilt blood and
     shared blood and feared blood and shed
     blood.
Then I watched my wife
fair-haired and straining
muscles corded a
Viking shieldmaiden yelling
curses at Odin
because today is not a day for death but for life.
And she split herself in two to make way for a son.
He flailed out, purple and gray and red,
a gollum golllum cry for air for warmth for regret
and I wasn’t going to cut the cord until
and I never knew how to hold a baby until
and I can see the blood on the floor
and count the cost in stitches
because I am a father now.
And he cried until laid on his mother
and sweat and exhaustion
and tears and pain and blood
lift as my wife increases
as she weighs the cost of love and becomes it.